Profiling the Yoga Ability of the Red Stars

This year, The Red Stars are extremely fortunate to have yoga once a week as a form of recovery. Yoga is a great way to decompress, work on flexibility, build core strength, and prevent injuries. Our instructor, Jackie, runs a phenomenal class every Wednesday based on our body’s needs in response to our week of training. She’s kind, she’s warm, she’s clearly a master of her craft, and quite frankly, some of us, including myself, don’t deserve her.

Let’s begin by making one thing clear. For once, I AM INNOCENT. I have a medical excuse to be behaving like a caged animal because of my ADHD. With the exception of one other teammate (can’t be revealed for privacy reasons) the others do not. I have to find a way to distract myself during yoga to avoid having an actual aneurism. So how did I fill this void? By analyzing the yoga personalities of my cohabitants in the room and writing this article in my head as I flopped around like a beached whale.

1. The terrible outfit group- Look, these girls aren’t necessarily doing anything bad. I don’t really know what it means to be “zen,” but anyone could see that the girls in this group are killing the vibe. Their most primary offense is wearing those baggy tee-shirts that look like cardboard. You know what I mean? The one’s that are so old and poor quality they’ve had the same wrinkles for 5 years and will give you a scrape on your stomach if you move too fast in them.

Primary Offender: Mary Luba

2. The judgers- you know, the girls who have done this a million times. Who are already moving into the next position before Jackie even starts talking. They’ll laugh with you after and giggle about how “it just takes a couple of times before you really start to FEEL THE YOGA.” But I can spot a rat in the meadow from a mile away. I know they don’t like us. I know they think we stink at yoga. I don’t care if they don’t talk to me for a week after this comes out, I had to do this and put a stop to the Regina George’s of post practice yoga everywhere.

Primary offender: Sofia Huerta (for the record, Sofia is one of my best friends and we get dinner once a week/ snapchat 3-5 times a day)

3. The keep it up group- no drama with them. They stretch. They laugh when I try to distract them. They look cute during Shavasana and they always shower quickly before to do their part in keeping the room from smelling like a petting zoo.

Members: Casey Short, Dani Colaprico, Alyssa Mautz, Julie it Ertz so good, Jen Hoy

Spotlights:

Samantha Johnson- Samantha is an amazing athlete who takes very good care of herself. She’s like me though, and would rather recover through punishment (deep tissue work, full body ice bath) than yoga. Every Tuesday, Rory comes in before practice and gives us the rundown of the week, ending with “Does anyone have any questions?”

This week, with myself and a small number of others egging her, on she bluntly asked with her signature look (resting b**** face) “Is yoga mandatory this week?” Without delay, Rory replied that Yoga absolutely is mandatory, and that her question is probably better suited for a private conversation at a different time. Good on you Sam, you miss every shot you don’t take.

While Samantha may be known for the occasional PG-13 dance move during pose transitions, you definitely cannot argue that her black onesie with pink straps wasn’t Yoga outfit of the week.

Christen Press- Then we have Christen, who is in the corner performing a Los Angeles rendition of the Nutcracker ballet. Christen has informed me and Samantha Johnson that if we continue to distract the others (since when is twerking during downward dog and cuddling during Shavasana inappropriate??) she’s going to suggest we be kicked out of Yoga.

Well Christen, if you read this, 1) how about a retweet and 2) it’s not that easy for me to follow along either when your auditioning for a broadway show. Regardless, I plan on buying a tutu and practicing nutcracker ballet yoga every night in the confines of my own home to see if its the secret to acquiring world class composure in front of goal.

NOTES: if Samantha and I do lose our yoga privileges, we promise to go Instagram live from our exile in the cold tub next Wednesday. Follow my girl here.

Some of my teammates are putting on an amazing Mother Daughter Yoga Event before our game vs. the Boston Breakers this Sunday. Whether your a bad outfit person, a judger, a dancer or a twerker like Sam and I, BRING YOUR MAT AND COME WATCH SOME GREAT SOCCER.