MAJOR TOPIC: Corinne the Villain

We’re back people. Let’s get right into it. Corinne, Corinne, Corinne. Where do I begin? I guess I’ll start by saying thank you. Thank you for making my future job as a parent easier. Now I won’t have much work to do teaching them about why avoiding that fake, plastic, I-have-to-actively-restrain-myself-from-throat-chopping-you, “basic betch” tone of voice, is important. I’ll just have someone from Comcast come to my house, burn episode 2 of season 23 onto a DVD, and have each of my kids watch it every Tuesday for 52 Tuesdays in a row as soon as they’re old enough to process verbal cues.

AND THE PUMP UP SPEECH! For those of you who missed it, after probably 10 glasses of white wine Corinne gave the girls on the group date a “tough love” speech on being soft about interruptions. Quote of the week: “if you can’t handle being interrupted, why are you here.” For me, this slightly edged her grand finale line of, “You're gonna make your non-friends feel weird, but you have to be there for yourself no matter what.”

Corinne, what’s your going rate to come talk to teams in the NWSL before games? I guess it will depend on how far you make it on the show. I’m sure anyone in the league would love to have you come get us fired up before a game. Between your tough love or your ruthless crusade for selfish tunnel vision towards one goal and one goal only, I think you could corner the market on pregame speeches. I’ll circle back to you at the beginning of the season.

CHEAT SHEET:

ON THE RISE

Dolphin girl: Bringing out cupcakes for the anniversary of her fake boobs was laugh out loud funny, and she continues to be the only one that brings light to a little bit of a ridiculous situation.

Raven: Best accent I’ve EVER heard. Also love that she’s a fellow Corinne basher who questioned Nick’s intentions for giving her the date rose after the trashy topless photos

ON THE DECLINE

Liz: Did you and Nick hook up 9 months ago at a wedding? Oh my god I don’t think you told us. Spoiler alert- she's gone anyway. Thank god.

Christen: While I’m not a fan of Liz, I also am not a fan of rats. Is girl code dead? Encouraging Liz to confide in her about meeting Nick at the wedding, promising never to tell anyone, and then exposing her immediately is a bit shady. I’d love to see someone put cheese on her bunk bed and play that “Snitch B****” song from Empire when she walked into the rose ceremony.

BONUS: WHY WAS THERE NO ROSE CEREMONY?

Enough with the cliff hangers, ABC. Its week two. TWO. I'm totally fine with having to suffer through the final few weeks of having to wait till the next episode to see who moves on. But when its 9:45 pm and I get up to make my nighttime decaf hibiscus tea, (a rose ceremony tradition) and when there's still at least seven girls whose names I don't know yet, I can't deal with having the rug ripped out from under me like that. Its the same thing as running fitness. If the coach tells you in advance and you have time to mentally prepare, then whatever, I'll make do. But when you think you're out of the woods and they throw the soul crushing unexpected 300s on you at the end of practice, thats when I absolutely lose my shit. I threw the tea down the garbage disposal. ABC is getting cocky. I'm not putting up with this the whole season.

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