We’re going to Miami on Saturday and we just realized something:

The best way to get out of anything is to make up that your vacation is longer than it actually is. You have an automatic free pass to not have to do anything you don’t want to do up to two days before, and two days after a vacation.

For example my mom asked me, “Hey Steph, I need you to stay at the house and watch the dogs on Friday night.” Our dogs are selfish and play favorites, especially Simba, so I really have no interest in dragging myself out to the Suburbs tomorrow night. It's gonna take me a minimum to of 45 minutes to shave my winter coat of January leg hair, and I need to be trying on bikinis and rolling around in the bathtub in fake tanning mousse.

So I just told her, “Mom, remember Kristie and I are going to Miami this weekend.” How did she take it, you may ask? EXCEPTIONALLY WELL. “Omg I totally forgot sweetie I’m so excited for you guys that’s gonna be so much fun. Remembah to use ya Venchaah caahhd so they upgrade yah to the club level.”

Wanna know how that same conversation would have went if I said, “Mom I’m leaving in the morning and don’t feel like coming home. Can you just get the dog sitter?” Well it wouldn’t go that far because I'd be put in the stocks in the town square as soon as she got back from her own trip to Santa Monica.

What we’re on to is revolutionary: take a vacation within a vacation. You know how sometimes you get home from traveling and it was a blast, but you’d do ANYTHING for one day to yourself afterwords to Netflix binge, unpack and fold your undies nice. BINGO. You’re in luck.

DISCLAIMER: when you commit to lie about how long your vacation is, you commit to the hermit lifestyle for anywhere from 1-4 days. And when we say commit, we mean commit. No going for walks, no movies, no skinny vanilla lattes and no going to the gym. Those are breeding grounds for accidental run ins. Hello burnt pot coffee, indoor circuit workouts and on demand TV.

If you absolutely HAVE TO leave the house, make sure you wear sunglasses, a scarf, and clothes so old and ratty that from afar, people automatically turn the other way because they’re repulsed by your 15-yard radius.

Also, delete your Snapchat during your Fake-ation. In this day and age, when every person under 35 basically has early stages of carpel tunnel from cell phones, no one is self-aware or vigilant enough to remember to stay off social media for up to two days. I would honestly have a better chance of lasting the 48 hours without any food or water. DON’T risk posting an accidental at home snap story. Words to live by: “Delete your Snapchat, or you’ll be trapped like a little rat.”

Featured