Bachelor Cheat Sheet, Week 5:

I don’t know what got into ABC this week. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: WE’RE ALL GONNA WATCH THE BACHELOR, ALWAYS. Regardless of how you guys screw it up, you’ve managed to encompass America’s favorite pastime of watching drama, romance, and backstabbing into one show. So stop trying so hard. There was no need to make Corinne kill a voodoo doll on the two-on-one date. It was so overly fake dramatic that it snapped me out of my ever so wonderful “reality TV trance” and into an “Okay, even for me, this is ridiculous” realization. I never want to have to face that reality over my morning coffee. The two-on-one hunger games set up was PERFECT- but don’t push it.

The group date: I genuinely thought a few of the girls, (who I still don’t remember) were like characters that worked in the haunted house. That’s how irrelevant they’ve become. Look, I’m not saying you have to pull a Corinne and go topless. But do something to be relevant enough to avoid being mistaken as an New Orleans amusement host seven weeks in. If we don’t know your name yet, you’ve failed.

Taylor: I’m so glad she’s gone. She’s the worst of the worst, bottom of the barrel for me. Listen Aristotle, I don’t know if anyone told you, but this is the prime time reality slot on ABC. No one wants to hear your emotional intelligence monologue. Take your philosophy babbling and masters degree you’ve brought up 47 times to one of the daytime slots on PBS so I’ll never have to listen to it again. You’re not better than me and the B+ I received in Human Development 101.

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