Want to know the one place where human decency is almost certain to disappear? Head to your local grocery store the morning before a snowstorm.

Going to a grocery stores in the Boston suburbs closely preceding a snowfall of more than six inches means treading into the deepest and darkest corners of the human soul. I’ve LITERALLY NEVER seen a more prominent display of selfishness and manic behavior in my entire life. People act like every time there’s a dusting they need to stock up for the next three weeks.

Do you really think this is the one and only time you'll be able to leave your house for weeks? And that your elderly neighbor is now your competition for the only available loaf of bread in town? In the parking lot, an old woman apparently deemed the 10 seconds that I took to pull into a spot to be too long. She slammed on her horn and then put up two fists in front of her face while staring daggers into my eyes. I’m not sure if this is the baby boomer version of the middle finger or if she was actually threatening to fight me. All I know is that on the next snow day I’m ordering pizza.

Other signs of rabid behavior:

I ran into a woman whose family is VERY close with my own family. And I mean very close. Like we go to their house as a family twice a year. I stopped and said hi, and she barreled by me with her cart muttering nonsense. She looked exactly like Professor Snape in Harry Potter when he was chanting the counter curse in the stands of the Quidditch match
People making citizens arrests in the 12 items or less line. You would think there was an ad posted in the town newspaper saying “WANTED: Volunteer express line monitor during snow emergencies.” It’s amazing how these suburbanites don’t have a second to spare when they’re ripping that loaf of bread out of their neighbors hands, but as soon as they have their food secure, they have all the time in the world to camp out and referee the express items line.
People filling their carts with ridiculous amounts of canned and non-perishable foods. This is just tangible proof of what I touched on before that they actually believe it’s gonna take the city six days to clear six inches of snow.
THE CLASSIC RACE: Everyone knows what I’m talking about. Two people. Ten yards away. One item left. On any other day, that bag of chips isn’t worth your reputation in town. But like I said, once a couple of snowflakes fall, these town folk become blinded by their animal instincts and would stab me in the heart with a pretzel stick to make sure their elementary age ragamuffin has enough cheese its for the week.

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